I coined a new term. "FOBA: Fear of being alone."
“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”
-Mandy Hale
Damn did this quote hitttt when I read it. This is something I've struggled with up until the pandemic actually.
I always grew up surrounded by people + loved it! (I am a Leo after all)
As I got older, I realized I became super dependent on my friends, family, and significant others. I had an unhealthy fear of being alone and had to have a friend over constantly or be talking to someone.
The more I became fearful of being alone, the more I clung onto anyone I could keep around/anyone that was free to hangout.
From that came unhealthy relationships + dependencies, not being able to do things like even go grocery shopping alone, and neglecting everyday tasks because I would rather be out with a friend.
I also realized the more I was with my friends, the less I valued our time together. The more I included them in my relationship, in my everyday thoughts, etc, The more I would struggle with not knowing if my own thoughts were actually my own or an influence of someone else’s. I became a clone of my friends.
It was a drug for lack of a better word. Having someone around all the time. The urge to always ask if someone could accompany me to whatever I was doing. It wasn't until my boyfriend pointed it out that I even noticed it was a problem! And worse - I became defensive! I took it as him not wanting me to hang out with my friends instead of him asking me to, kindly grow up and set healthy boundaries. Bless his heart. 😂
I decided to take time to myself for an entire week and I realized... he was right. the drug wore off, I came down from my friend high, and I apologized. I saw that I had been living in a bubble and completely shutting out the world around me because it was "more fun" that way.
Working full-time building my business, I have been business than ever! I barely have time to hang out with people let alone be with someone 24/7. This was my true medicine. Filling my time with something that is productive!
Now, I schedule a time to see my friends instead of just dropping what I'm doing any second they ask. I cherish our time together. Instead of just sitting together doing nothing, we have things to talk about!
There's nothing wrong with loving your friends, but everyone needs time alone! It's healthy for your own growth. You need to know that you're friends with them out of love, not convenience.
So, what's the cure? Ripping off the bandaid. The more you do things by yourself, the more used to it you’ll get. Find things that you love to do that fill up your time. Like building a business, learning a trade or language, painting, taking a dance class (alone!), becoming best friends with yourself!!
You will never know if you love/appreciate someone until you can love/appreciate yourself first!!! Then, you'll truly know they're not just there to fill space.
Have you ever experienced FOBA? How do you deal with it?
xo, Crystal